Today’s Sign Of The Apocalypse
By Justin McCahren
Stock up. Stock up immediately. Stock up on toilet paper, non-perishable foods, bottled water and deodorant- for the love of God, deodorant. Dig an underground space for a bomb shelter. Collect an arsenal of weapons to fight for any scraps that survive the destruction. The end of days may really be upon us.
Weird things are happening in world. Things that lend creedence to what the Mayans had warned all along. It cannot be denied, the apocalypse is inching closer and closer. December 21? Maybe we should all start getting really serious about this.
The signs are everywhere. Here in the Washington DC area, the DMV experienced a rare December heatwave earlier this week. 76 degrees in December? Icebergs are melting my friends. They’re melting faster than Tony Romo’s nerves in a two-minute drill.
Before you get swallowed up by the ocean or incinerated by volcanic lava, just remember, I told you so. Leading up to December 21st and hopefully* beyond, I’ll be sharing with you the signs of what’s to come. My sign of an impending apocalypse for today is, (Drumroll:)
In the sports world, no rivalry is more contentious than the New York Yankees vrs. the Boston Redsox. The rivalry is fueled each season when the two AL East franchises play eachother 87 times. (I’m being told by our facts department that they actually square off 19 times in the regular season, I guess my sarcasm wasn’t evident enough.)
When you play a team 87 times per year, you genuinely begin to hate everything about your opponent. For Yankees fans, Kevin Youkilis was pretty near the top of “the list of hatred” for most of the 2000’s. Lately, with his trade last season to the White Sox, and the decline of the Red Sox, maybe the hatred has lessened. But lets be real, we’re talking Kevin friggin’ Youkilis here. Hatred is hatred.
Today the New York Yankees have offered Youkilils a one year 12 million dollar contract. That’s like Terrell Suggs being offered a contract by the Pittsburgh Steelers or Mitt Romney being offered the Democratic nomination for President. If the deal is actually signed, I fully expect December 21st’s projected Judgment Day to be pushed up to tomorrow.
Yankees fans have been wired to hate everything about guys like Pedroia, Schilling and The Youka. The Youka? Yankees fans hate his nickname, his batting stance, his various facial hair experiments and speaking of his face- yeah, they hate his face too.
What should Yankees fans hate more than Youkilis? They should hate why they’ve reached the level of desperation to consider such an acquisition. First off, “Mr. Contract,” Alex Rodriguez is now having hip surgery on his other hip. Mr. Contract, (not to be confused with “Mr. Contact”…at least not in October) is breaking down faster than Snoop Lion in his dressing room. His career is up in smoke. Unfortunately, his contract is not. Desperation is indeed a very stinky cologne.
Replacing A-Bomb with The Youka is actually the fourth option the Bombers have considered. San Francisco Giants and World Series hero Marco Scutaro was thought to be a target. He stayed by the Bay. Jeff Keppinger (or, to most Yankees fans- “who??”) signed to be The Youka’s replcement with the White Sox, passing up pinstripe interest. Eric Chavez signed in Arizona, leaving The Bronx after rejuvenating his career in 2012. So now, The Youka is the best option available. I can’t be the only Yankees fan that just threw up in his mouth a little bit.
Sure, Wade Boggs came to New York and won a ring with the Yankees. Sure, Johnny Damon switched sides. Sure, Roger Clemens…blah, blah, blah. This….this is Kevin Friggin’ Youkilis we’re talking about here. Joba Chamberlain has to be polishing up his brass knuckles just in case. I’m pricing out Bomb Shelter material now. Unless you’re a comedian, no name sounds more apocalyptic than You-Kill-Us. (Wait for it…I’ll be here all week.) Please Yankees, ANYONE but Youkilis. The fate of mankind is on the line.