I’m a graveyard shift employee for an International shipping company. From time to time when working this shift, hunger will strike. There are no good choices for food in the middle of the night. If I venture out, I’m going to be eating something that is likely pretty undesirable and non-nutritious.
Undesirable and non-nutritious should be 7-11’s slogan. Yet, as we all know, when you’re hungry, you’re hungry. Every once in awhile we all live a little dangerously and utter these famous last words…”I’ll take that Big Bite Hot Dog.”
Typically the results come in phases.
Phase one: you eat the Big Bite and think, hmm that wasn’t that bad.
Phase two: your stomach starts arguing with the rationale of phase one. It indeed could be that bad.
Phase three: IT WAS THAT BAD. This is when your stomach feels as if it’s been invaded by a thousand miniature Sylvester Stallone’s. Or as I like to call this event, “The Balboa’s.” (In honor of Sylvester’s Rocky character.) These tiny Balboa’s punish you by throwing jabs, hooks and upper-cuts, using your stomach walls like a punching bag.
Phase four: “Yo Adrian.” This is when you get home and are calling for your wife or significant other to assist you. Why? Well, because you’re incapacitated and kneeling before the Porcelain God. You’re going to need some extra towels to clean up. Or worse? That’s when you need extra towels and toilet paper. I’ll stop there.
That brings me to tonight.
I’ve recently lost some weight. I’ve accomplished this, in part, by avoiding late night trips to 7-11. Last night, my hunger attack prohibited me from thinking rationally.
There I was- standing and staring at the wondrous uncertainty that the 7-11 hot dog turner provides. On one side, nuclear hot dogs. On the other side, dangerously atomic tacquitos.
I’ve been through all the “phases” before. (see above) I was way too intelligent to consume a big bite hot dog. It was 2:30 am, you only order a big bite if your suicidal. Tacquitos had to be a better choice right? Probably not, but I couldn’t resist. “Two Monterrey Chicken tacquitos please.”
The 7-11 attendant’s response was unanticipated. He looked at me and smiled larger than any 7-11 employee in 7-11 employee history. He said “Exxxxxxcellent choice sir.” He said this very enthusiastically, and yes, with that many x’s. He sounded like Montgomery Burns and Keanu Reeves were having a wrestling match in his brain. Excellent choice.
Red flags began to arise in my graveyard shift brain. When you work the hours that I do, you become slightly “zombie-fied” and you don’t pick up on everything. Details are missed, judgment is blurred and actions are misinterpreted. This time, my mental acuity served me well.
Who says “excellent choice” with all the enthusiasm of Richard Simmons at 7-11? A person who knows the exact history of that food item- that’s who. Meaning that, this attendant knew something that I didn’t. He knew where these tacquitos had been.
Something terrible had happened to these tacquitos,
These tacquitos had either been on the 7-11 “rollers of death” for three days or they had been on the floor. When I say on the floor, I mean for ions longer than the “ten-second rule.” Perhaps these tacquitos were spit on. Maybe these tacquitos were rubbed down with battery acid. Maybe these tacquitos were marinated in anthrax. No matter which, I quickly changed my mind.
“You know what, scratch that. I’ll just take this bottled water.”
The 7-11 attendant’s jubilance was noticeably affected. “Are you sure sir? I can throw in a couple more for free.” That statement right there validated my thinking. This dude is trying to murder me.
Bottom line: don’t risk it. Don’t even entertain the idea. Eating anything on the 7-11 menu is like playing Russian Roulette without any empty chambers. Things will get blown up. If you do have a moment of weakness, just remember to be keen to your 7-11 attendants demeanor. If he is overly happy, it’s only because he knows that you’re about to eat something that has lived on the bottom of his shoe.
Random post of the day- but trust me, these are words of wisdom.